I took my kid to see it. Twice. Several weeks ago. The seething hatred is still so fresh in my mind that I feel like I should probably wait another week or two before actually writing this out, just to TRY to be fair. But she’s nine. She hated it as much as I did.

We both hated it so much that we went back to see it a second time, just in case the seriously annoying brood of hellspawn that had sat behind us during our first trip was the thing that actually ruined the viewing for us. You know… just in case the constant over-excited exclamations of 4 kids, all above the age of 7 and who have not been taught proper theater behavior, was the THING that made the experience so horrible.

We were wrong. It’s just a shit movie.

When an 9 year old gets frustrated at continuity problems, there are some things that the grown ass adults who wrote, directed, and starred in this movie should have noted and fixed before releasing it.

Yes, we get it. It’s a fictional movie, so there should be a degree of suspension of disbelief. But the talking animals are supposed to account for that. That’s nothing to do with any of the issues that we have. And even some of these things, my offspring, with a more vivid imagination than I ever hope to have, is more irritated over than I am. I find this both hilarious and perplexing. The fliers all over town, and her first reaction was to elbow me and whisper in a very disapproving tone, “They should be fined for all that littering…”

And the building! Same disapproving tone, “There’s no way that’s up to code. I want to know how much they get sued for when someone gets hurt.” And then as we leave the building, she threw her drink into the trashcan with disgust. “This movie sucked! I can’t believe it! I know they’re just supposed to be animals, but how dumb does Hollywood think the animal kingdom is?!”

I’m proud of my offspring.

So, yeah. My nine-year-old and I both recommend that you refrain from spending money on this movie. There are better movies. We both highly enjoyed Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. A review on that one coming soonish.

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